Sorry, but this is the truth.

This is going to be the most painful post I have ever written I think.

I’m sorry, but I need to take a break. I don’t know how long it is going to be, or if I’m going to come back. That has a lot of factors on things I can’t control.

The truth is, three or four years ago, I fell in love with a Character. I haven’t realized it. That was Wonder Woman, Diana, Diana Prince, whatever you want to call her. She was a Hero, in her own right, she kicked ass, but she was still able to be kind and loving.

When the New 52 happened, I was excited. I was glad that for once, I was going not have to just pick up trades, and get in on the start of something big. I didn’t have to worry about back issues and anything like that.

Then the announcement happened. One I had been afraid of from the start, after I read the rumor online. Superman and Wonder Woman were going to be a couple, and I knew what that meant. That Diana was not going to matter any more. That the trinity no longer mattered. It was all about making Superman look good. It wasn’t about anything else.

Diana was going to stop being a hero. She was going to become a side kick, and that has been proven on every turn. Superman has to teach her everything, even though she has been living in She has become something nasty, snapping at Lois for looking at her man. Why does she care so much? They had been around each other for five years. Is this all Diana cares about? Men? She got to take center stage in the Justice League comic, because she is dating Superman, not because of anything she did. She didn’t do it because she was a hero in her own right; its about whose dick she is after at the moment. Their relationship is all about Clark, and making him look cool and hip. Diana is just something to slip into its place; being that they have been stealing art and scenes from Lois and Clark’s relationship only drive this point home. She doesn’t matter. Clark is the only thing that does. The fact that Diana and Lois were drawn alike by Lee doesn’t help. Diana had to be rewritten to fill that. I told myself that is could be short lived, and if I could get through it, it would be no big deal. After all, it was only in Justice League.

Yesterday, I found out it was in Superman. I found out it was in Aquaman. And I felt my heart-break. It became real, and that it was going to stay. I couldn’t make jokes about it and ignore that nagging facts in the back of my mind. The Diana who had swooped in and saved me in my darkest hour, and no matter what, she was never coming back. DC had murdered her and replaced her with a puppet.

Diana is close to me for a lot of reason. I have mentioned before, the character saved my life. I have PTSD because of some very horrible things that happened in my childhood. She had so many things happen to her and she was just able to go with it. These were the things I wanted for my own life. I began to change. I became stronger. I decide that there was something good in the world. Why? Because Wonder Woman was in it. It is rare that a female character happens like that, which I think Men don’t realize. She was someone, that girls who had been through hell like me, could look up to. Who had been abused, and mistreated almost their whole lives that there was a light at the end of the tunnel. That things get better. You don’t need a man to make you happy, you can create your own happiness. That Love is a great thing, but you can survive without it. That being a strong woman doesn’t mean you have to give up your femininity. And that you are not just a walking vagina. You are something so much bigger than that. Now I know that isn’t the case.

So much of my own streght was tied into her, and now that she has bee ripped away, I don’t feel it any more. I made jokes about people getting attached to characters before and how silly it was; I didn’t realized I was one of them.

Now Johns is writing her as a child. She couldn’t figure out how to have a secret identify without him. ((Even though she had done it in her own comic.)) In the old cannon, it had been a gift from Superman and Batman, as a way to give her a chance to find herself. Now it is just a way for her to live with Clark and fill Lois’s role. She is just an idiotic girl who flies off the handle. She is not, let me replete, anything that she was. No charm, no witty, not even that loving soul that I had fallen in love with. She is a shell, some strange creature wearing Diana’s skin. It was odd, and uncomfortable.

Look, what happened to me, as a child, I know has no way attached to what DC has done. They have no idea that I exist, and that I loved Diana. But they could have shown Diana some respect. They could have shown us readers some respect. Instead they did whatever they wanted. DC made me feel like I should have been born a boy. They make me ashamed to ever have made the mistake to be born the gender I was. For everything that has happened in my life, this is the first time I have ever felt this way.

My whole life, I have been plagued by my childhood. I have wondered the basic facts about myself. Things of what point did I really lose my virginity, or if I had ever been one really, what had I done to diverse the torture that I had received. Why had God painted a target on my back? Diana, finding her at 20, helped a lot of that. She taught me it doesn’t matter, that you need to push forward, that you have to find your own path and just go for it. And the part that hurts the most, is that there aren’t going to be other girls, who really need this Diana, be able to find that right now. And I honestly don’t have hope it will get better. DC doesn’t care about created strong characters of either gender, it is able making a good buck.

I didn’t realize how much I feel in love with her. How attached I became to her. How painful it is that she has been cut down, repackaged to be nothing more than just a way to make Clark to look good. They are not partners, he is the one in the driver seat. She is the pretty arm candy. The fact they couldn’t in the comics give a reason for them to be together, they had to use match.com.

My friend and fiance tell me it won’t last, that it will disappear. The truth is, even if it does, I’m never going to be able to look at Diana again. The fact is, I have enough problems trusting real people. I barely trust the people I call family, let alone anyone outside of that. I trust characters more than anything else. Diana betrayed me.

Which brings me to why I’m stepping away from my blog. I need time. I used to love doing this. I used to love reading your comments and responding to them. I know I was always crass, and hoped I brought some smiles to people faces. I wanted to be enjoyable, and I hoped I pulled that off.

Now I want it over quickly, because I can’t stand it. And it was nothing any of you all did. It was the comics themselves that drove me away. I can’t stand the joke blog that started this. I know I made jokes about Diana and Bruce dating, because I thought that couple would have been funny. It would have been amusing, because of their nothing fights. How they would have played off each other. But now that Diana is spoken for, and that this is long term, I can’t smile at that any more.  I can’t enjoy it any more. I can’t enjoy her any more. She has no meaning to a female any more.

I was excited, before the announce meant came out, for issue #13 of Justice League. I was excited to see Diana get her moment in the sun. To get the chance to be seen the way I, and many fans saw her. But it wasn’t her moment in the sun, it was her time to be shoehorned in a relationship. Because that is all she was good for. She is the replacement for Lois Lane, and so now she has to act more like Lois than herself. Don’t get me wrong, Lois is great, but she is Lois, and Diana is Diana. Or at least she was.

I realize that this all, is silly and stupid. That this is such a first world problem and I have nothing to complain about, but it breaks my heart. It breaks my heart that what made Diana special and wonderful is gone, because that means that girls like me, girls who need to be saved the most, wouldn’t have access to her. That Diana is dead. Wonder Woman is dead.

I know that its so fucking stupid. That a character, a person who doesn’t exist, can hurt me so bad. But it does. I spent a lot of time crying and knowing that I couldn’t come up with funny panel friday. I could barely open the books that I have. My backlog just keeps getting bigger and bigger. And I dread looking through it.

The trips to the comic shop, writing this blog, before the announcement were things I enjoyed. That I loved doing. DC robbed me of that. They robbed me of a lot of joy.  Worst of all, they rob me of you, the people who followed, who commented, who lurk. And I know it is stupid mentally, but emotionally, I can’t cut it away. And I know that it doesn’t matter. They just want my money, and don’t give two shits about my feelings. As long as I keep picking up issues.

I hate my brain. I hate what my PTSD decides for me what is important. That makes me judge my worth as a person by. And I’m sure that this is the post where I will be told to just kill myself and get over it by trolls. That they aren’t real, and that it doesn’t matter in the long run. And in a way, they are right.

So, for now, this is good bye. I don’t know if it is for good or not. I’m going to miss you all and I thank you for giving me the time of day to read my words, and letting me entain you. It has been a blast. I just wish it could have lasted longer.

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